Image : The Builders (Family) Jacob Lawrence 1974
Tuesday, June 16 2020 | Op-Ed on Society by Purity Wanjiku  

At first, they can be quite intriguing. The thought of coming home to someone that you love is exciting. You call and text (sext) them throughout the day promising them a ground shaking record at night. You can’t stop fantasizing about their beautiful smiles, their eyes and spark that got your attention when you first met. Their voices that ring in your head all day and you can’t wait to get home and give them a forehead kiss with words of affirmation like “you are the best thing that ever happened to me ”

You hold each other’s hands, get matching outfits of “I’m his, she’s mine ” you get matching bracelets or necklaces labeled ride or die. Everything is in the honeymoon phase, not forgetting to lick each other’s honey because your priest told you “he who finds a good wife, finds a good thing ” ye husband, love your wife like christ loved the church ” you recite painful vows “for better for worse, in sickness and in health ” be mine forever. The congregants applaud you so hard because they don’t give a shit, all they need is to eat food and cake as they utter “it shall end in premium tears ” while smiling at you like the piece of cake depends on it.

About back-door weddings? The biggest proposal is a pregnancy. You come together as one, just like the ovum and sperm came together to produce a mixed foetus with both of your genes, mixed colors, mixed duodenum and a unique sex organ. Yeeees, it’s a girl. You are both happy, to start a family of your own. You can’t wait to break the news to your families. Especially criss crossing to in – laws. Everyone is excited about the new addition to the family. You struggle to maintain the happy image to every one, until two months are over.

It finally dawns on you that you can’t stand your partner’s horrible morning breath. His feet smell all day from hustling for his upcoming family. You wonder why you didn’t realize that during the courtship days /years? He was always in sandals or crocs waiting for you to bump at his place during the weekend. Didn’t you want to be conjoined? Didn’t you say man shall leave his father and mother and become one? The oneness is now horrible. You realize sooner that the glam and show was for a short period. Your growing pregnancy hates it’s father. Now you address him as a sperm donor, thanks to unprotected sex! You stay together for three months and according to the law, you are declared legally married….

The boyfriend stays out late drinking with his buddies, smiling at non pregnant women, playing FIFA as he eyes for a rich sugar mommy that will buy him a Ps5, he won’t call to check on you or the pregnancy because there’s no where you can go. You on the other hand are mad because you wanted to be spoilt shamelessly so that the foetus could kick in excitement. Before you even realize it, time is up. Labor has kicked in, you are parents, but unhappy ones.

They tell you not to share your marital problems because it’s gross. As long as you have shared a bed and beddings, no one should know how badly you farted in turns, like the traditional music festivals competition. No one should know that the sex was actually bad, but isn’t it proof that you had a baby? Muhahaha. Sex is for procreation and shouldn’t be enjoyed especially with a woman. Don’t bash your husband for trashy sex while all you made for him was noodles. Do not talk back to your husband. Now your mother in law wants to know when you will have a second child. Your primary duty is officially to make babies and a big homestead.

First year into marriage, this is not what you wished for. You didn’t see your boyfriend as your first child, you didn’t see yourself crying day and night because your spouse changed, you didn’t imagine waiting for the kids to sleep so that you could receive two strokes of Mediocre sex from your already tired husband. It’s hard to solve issues because you should be content that the man puts a roof over your head. You shouldn’t be complaining because you are just a new mom and you are adapting to changes. You offer domestic and emotional labor for everyone. You have lost yourself, your life, your happiness, your friends and are now miserable.

You can’t leave the marriage because you don’t want your kids  to grow up without both parents. You are ashamed that no one else will want you. You didn’t have a financial back up plan because you have been a stay at home mom. You carry on a little longer in hopes that your baby daddy will come around. You want to stick on a little longer because marriages are a piece of work and winners never quit! You remember how you saw your mom fending for everyone no matter how she got treated. Your whole village saw you leave your home, worse exchanged with a few cows and now you want to divorce? Divorce is bad, you will become a devil’s agent.

Years come and go. Still stuck in an unhappy union. Your kids all grown up and now leaving. Your husband is now chasing young women and promising them heaven on earth while you are left miserable praying for miracles and delivery. You are old, wrinkled and bitter. You call divorcees hoes, you label unmarried people unhappy. While you are the unhappy one.

How do you expect your plants to grow if you don’t water them? How are you going to stick around a cheating spouse because you promised for better for worse at the alter? If the marriage doesn’t work, leave! Get married elsewhere until you get the satisfaction you are looking for. Marriages are overrated and ooh, you won’t have that crazy sex that you thought you’d have.

The ups and downs are part of any relationship, but not constant unhappiness and tears!

Purity is the writer of